No matter where I go, I think of you. Maybe it’s the way the wind sounds like your laugh, or the way the autumn leaves look like your hair. Maybe it’s because of they way the rain hits the windows, reminding me of how our shoulders brushed on the morning bus. Maybe it’s because when I trip on the sidewalk, I get the same breathless, caught-by-surprise feeling as when I look at you. Everywhere I go, I find myself wishing that you were right beside me. I catch myself wishing that I could look into your eyes, wishing that I could slip my fingers between yours, wishing that I could tell you everything.

Why is it so hard to find someone who’ll love me as much as I love them? It’s never happened to me, not even once.

Out of all the places in the world, why am I here and not somewhere else? Why am I here and not by your side?

Just because things are the way they are, doesn’t mean that’s how they should be. Just because something’s supposed to happen, doesn’t mean it will. These inconsistencies are the thoughts that keep me up at night and the worries that waste my days. I keep wondering and wondering, but there’s never an answer.

I lost myself in between sighs and dreams, lonely nights and the color of your eyes. All I could think about was how you were over there and I was over here. About the difference between who you were and who I wasn’t. About how you’ve seen everything and I was nothing.

I am not perfect and probably not even close. But I promise you, I will do everything possible to be perfect for you.

I hope you do not treat me the same as most guys have. I hope that you are different. I hope that you see me for who I am. Please, don’t be like them.

Shower me with your love and soak me to the bone with your passion. Consume me from the inside out so I will never be alone again. I will carry you with me always because we will become two beings entangled into one love.

I wish I had courage, courage to tell you how I feel, and to tell others how I don’t. Courage to follow my heart, and to listen to my brain. Courage to speak up, courage to just listen. Perhaps I am just a cowardly lion, waiting for someone to come along and show me that I’ve had courage all along. Maybe I’ve just been looking in all the wrong places.

I talked to my mother today, 
I told her that I couldn’t fulfill her dream.
I think she was disappointed, but she didn’t show it.
I’m so sorry.

I just want her to understand.

January brought moving on and recovory.

February is always the coldest.

March passed in a blur.

April brought a million new things and breaking out of my shell.

May was the hardest.

June filled me with nostalgia.

July was my favorite.

August robbed me.

September almost broke me.

October never makes sense.

November is for forgetting.

December is for remembering and high hopes for next year.

I have a habit of picking the broken people and trying to fix them. It’s like I fall in love with their vulnerability. But the thing is, they always get better, and leave, taking pieces of me with them.
I need someone to fix me. 

I get a knot in my stomach whenever I talk to you. But don’t hold your breath, because I’m not always going to be here. I can’t just be your back up plan. I’m getting stronger every day, and maybe, for once I won’t answer your call. And maybe, next time you want to see me I’ll be long gone.

All the things you didn’t say keep running through my mind, like they’re on a constant loop, reminding me to never get attached to something I can lose.

I’m trying,
I’m trying,
I’m trying,

Please believe me,
because at this point,
You’re the only thing keeping me going.