You know, we all have this idea in our heads, of how we think our lives should be and it seems to me that I should be constantly laughing and smiling and always be surrounded by friends and be exceedingly happy.
But I think the expectations I have for myself are far too high,
because the truth is,

I’m unbearably lonely.

I need to keep reminding myself that this is my own fault. I am the only one to blame. And I remember a long time ago when I said I would never open myself up like that again. I knew my fragile heart couldn’t take much more than what I had already asked it to weather. But here I am again. I got greedy, and it’s my heart that pays the price, just like usual.

Sometimes, when I listen to one of the old songs that we used to sing at the top of our lungs, dancing around your room late at night in the heat of summer, I want to call you and say “I’m sorry I fucked this up, I miss you, can we go back to the old days?” But then I remember why you left in the first place. I remember what I did and how hard it was for me to pack up and leave. I remember that the ‘old days’ don’t exist anymore and we can never get them back. And this song that started out full of happy memories suddenly turns into horrible, gut wrenching sorrow. 

There is a monster inside of me that won’t be still. So I hope you know that when I put flame to flesh, I’m not burning the skin, but the demon within. And when my hands find the razor, it’s not my blood I’m trying to free, but the beast inside of me.

It was one of those inevitable nights of tossing and turning, and no matter how exhausted you are, sleep never comes. An empty bed does not equate to an empty mind. And I can’t help but think about how you’re leaving. I know what you’d say, “We just need to make the best of the time we have left.” But that doesn’t help when I’m here and you’re there.

You’ve already left me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be everything you wanted and I’ll never be perfect. I’m throwing my regrets away, they’ll just weigh me down. Sticks and stones they say, to me they feel more like bullets and guns. This started out as an apology. I think it’s a cry for help.

This is worse than sadness, it’s emptiness. Turns out you can never rid yourself of that void. You can try all you want to fill it with insignificant things, but that won’t last. It will always be there, just waiting for you to run out of things to try to satisfy its constant hunger. It will always be there.

Your name sounds foreign on my tongue. Has it been that long? I still remember your laugh, I still remember your scent, I still remember how comforting your hand was in mine. But your eyes look distant and your smile has changed. I’m not sure if I remember you.

You told me “I’ll always be here for you.” and I told you the same, and meant it, I promised you, no matter what. Where are you now? Gone. You left me. And I hate you for that. Did you even stop and think about what you were going to put me through? Do you think it’s easy for me to cry myself to sleep every night thinking about it all? I didn’t need another reason cry. But you gave me one. By leaving me, and ruining me. And now I think I’ve lost hope. You were the only one who understood me, and actually made me feel better. I loved you. Best friend was an understatement, you were so much more, I trusted you with my life. But now I am left with nothing but this horrible ache in my heart and the empty, longing feeling for you. I wish I could go way back in time so it wouldn’t be this way. I’m beyond lost, and the whole world is a blur, not only because of the tears that I can’t stop from streaming down my face, but because nothing makes sense anymore.

Alone in my room with nobody around,

nothing but music as my only sound.

I lay on my bed thinking about you,

Not knowing what the hell I got myself into.

Never did I know you would really listen to me,

Never did I know you would make me so happy.

I just hope you don’t shatter my heart, because someone before tried to tear it apart.

Some pieces are missing, the rest is just cracked,

Its hard for me to accept people, its hard to react.

Just promise me you’ll be here no matter what,

that I wish with my eyes closed shut.

Still in my room, music playing, but not alone,

still laying on my bed, but with you on the phone.

Hoping that our relationship would stay true,

Little did I know that I’m actually falling for you.

Sometimes when we look at each other, I can see something, something more, something you’re feeling but can’t explain. When our eyes meet, we’re instantly connected, no one catches it but me and you, but I like it that way. It’s our own little secret… a place we go to when everything around us is crazy and we just need some semblance of normal. There are times when I want nothing more than to look you in the eyes, cause it’s when we’re looking at each other in silence that we end up saying the most.

To me, love is kind. It always forgives, whether it be once, twice, or a billion times. It’s understanding what someone is going through and accepting their flaws like they were your own. It’s hard work and dedication. It’s all about being passionate and romantic, but still knowing when it’s time to be serious. Timeless. It does not envy and it is not jealous. It’s about those butterfly feelings in your stomach and the weakness in the knees. It’s about challenging each other, but never over powering. Giving and not being afraid to tell that person how you are honestly feeling because you know you won’t be judged. It’s about the laughs and the giggles and the way they can’t stop making you smile so, inevitably, your cheeks start to hurt. But when you see them cry, you sit down and you cry with them till they are ready to talk. It’s about overcoming hurdles and celebrating each breath you take together. It’s about that silly I-don’t-care kind of public affection. And when you feel you clash on issues, instead of arguing, you sit down one-on-one and eventually come to a mutual agreement about it, but still being okay with having your differences. It’s about compromising but also not having to change your ideals. It’s about missing that special someone before they are even gone. Running to the door when they are off of work just so you can give them a kiss and tell them how much you’ve missed them. It’s about cooking a five-star meal just to see their smile and their eyes light up, when all you feel like cooking is a five-minute tv dinner. It’s about cuddling. It’s about listening. It’s about making it clear to everyone in a room that you are together without even having to say a word. It’s about that special look you two give each other from across the room that let’s that person know you are still the one. It’s about growing and changing, maturing and aging but still seeing that person as the most beautiful person in the world to you. It’s a never-ending book of chapters, where with every turn of the page, with every new day, the love is evident and plain as a glittery rainbow. To me, love is you and me … that’s love.